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1st-Mar-2007 04:58 pm - suicide and after

Someone made a post in one of my FA groups that has me wondering what the rest of you might think.  I'm going to copy the original post and then a couple responses and then my own.  Let me know how the rest of you would respond to their questions.

 

Posted: Feb 28, 2007 1:21 PM

we need something new to talk about..
it seems this group gets lots of replies about boozing topics. what about a death topic?
who here would rather be dead than living with FA? Or, if you don't feel that anymore, who used to?

 

Posted: Feb 28, 2007 5:53 PM

Hey! That was me too! I used to hate myself so much that I wanted to smash me up pretty good. I was suicidal from 10 to 24 years old. Even attempted 3 times. Well, 2 were more like ‘gestures’, but the third was planned to a ‘T’. When it didn’t work, I just gave up; suicide is such hard work.
But death is attractive only because of what you believe is on the other side of the fence.
If I believed that heaven and seven beautiful virgins were waiting for me, I’d be killing jews and Americans right now.
If I believed in a Christian heaven, that’d be better than life.
If I believed in reincarnation, I’d hope for a better deal of the cards and keep offing myself until I was born perfect..
I find it funny that we have a thousand religions, each one with a different theory of the afterlife, yet each claims to be the “right one”. Instead of asking which is correct, maybe we should think about the possibility that religions are just made by man to alleviate our fear of death. A lot like when our dog or cat dies, we say we’ll see them later. We create a new rule for heaven, the way heaven was man-made in the fist place.
My own theory is just that we cease to exist. No heaven or second changes or ‘higher plateaus’. Humans are either arrogant or naïve to think that we’re any more special than any other living being.
So now I realize that I was given ONE LIFE by my parents. Not a great one, could’ve been better…but when I’m gone, there won’t be anything left where I sit. So I’m just gonna ramble on until I can’t ramble anymore. When it gets too pathetic and I’m sitting in 2 weeks worth of my own urine and feces, I’ll figure out a way to end it.
So it makes me wonder Noodle…what do you think is on the other side?

 

Posted: Mar 1, 2007 4:46 PM

In the end, FA will take the life of its' host...so if the host kills the FA first, it's a small victory.
I'm going to use that statement as a signature in my e-mail. :-)
This is a very good topic though. It's very interesting to read all of your opinions. Especially since for the past few weeks I have been so unsure as to what I myself believe. For the biggest part of my life I was atheist. Then for a while that went to unsure. Then for the last two years that unsurity went to a reliance on GOD having to be real or I had no hope. Now though I'm not so sure. If GOD is up there I must've done something so bad that HE doesn't see me anymore. I do hope that heaven is real for everyone else but for me if it is real I don't want to go there. I'd just ruin it for everyone else.
I hope GOD and heaven are real but if they aren't I think maybe when we die our minds sort of go into this unending sleep where we relive our lives over and over nonstop. Deja vu? Then it would be best to live your life to the fullest b/c you could be stuck in this life forever. Who's to say we aren't already in that dreamstate?
I have been suicidal since I was eleven or so and not b/c of the FA but b/c of my life and what's in it. Actually I'm very seriously wanting to slit my wrists and watch as the pain flows from me until there's none left right now. I wouldn't be hurting others b/c no one wants me in the way anyway. Everyone knows I want to die and no one cares enough to try to give me a reason to live. There isn't one. No need to try.

25th-Feb-2007 10:50 pm - through soul stained tears

I was the one who thought true love could conquer everything. How naive was I?

Why didn't someone tell me love isn't real?

 

Ya'll have probably noticed that for the last little bit I haven't been writing all that much about my husband.  For those of you who might be wondering what's been going on in the corners of my shattered heart as of lately here goes.  I know I probably shouldn't post this for the whole world to see and read but why not.  Perhaps there is just one person out there who might read this who can help me understand this heart-stopping pain.

Well a few days after New Year's I found out that he filed for divorce.  I don't know why I hadn't expected it.  I guess I was trusting what he had told me when he said that he loved me and that he would never do that.  We hadn't spoken for around five months.  I had no idea why not but assumed that his family had found out that we had been and got mad.  See there's one bit of my naivity.  I kept, no keep making excuses for him.  My heart is trying to blind my soul from the truth.  All last year I believed him when he kept telling me that he loved me and that he wanted to be with me.  Part of me still does.  But anyway I got the divorce papers and thought I was going to die.  After a few days of nonstop tears and trying to find the strength to do it I called and left a message on his phone one night in which I poured every bit of my heart out to him, or at least tried to through the tears.  I don't know how long I talked but before I finished I heard the phone beeping letting me know that someone was calling.  I didn't answer it but as soon as I hung up the phone it rang.  Guess who it was.  Yes, Wally.  All in all he told me that he does love me and that he needs me just as much as I need him.  I'm pretty sure at the first he was crying too.  He told me that he had just filed for the divorce because he was afraid he would end up back around my mother.  Well we talked for about an hour.  He told me that he doesn't want a divorce and then he told me that he was going to tell whoever is over it the next morning that he didn't want to pursue it.  He promised he would call me back the next night.  After about an hour my phone was going dead so I had to tell him bye.  He told me he loved me and then said bye.  When I hung the phone up I burst into tears yet again.  Partially because he had rekindled that fading hope in me and yet also because I was so afraid I was going to be let down again.  I was also so afraid that I had just heard him tell me "I love you." for the last time. 

Well he didn't call back.  For nights after that his phone was turned off.  Knowing me I tried to tell myself that it wasn't him.  So I waited and waited for a phone call that never came.  Then last month I went to WWRC and just got back a week ago.  It was so hard being there just thinking of the miles between us.  Hoping that while I sat there each night looking into the sky that somewhere he to was thinking of me.  Knowing that no matter how far apart we were that we were still under the same moon and the same stars.  I didn't want to come back to face my own death.  I didn't want to come back to face a cruel reality.  Up there it didn't seem real.  It was like a vague memory of a book that I had once read as a child.  If not for Christian I wouldn't have came.

This weekend someone told me that he doesn't want to be with me because of the FA.  I don't want to believe that, I don't believe that...  About a year ago I remember asking him that and him telling me that has nothing to do with it and that the FA never bothered him.  But I have to ask myself, was he telling the truth?  I need to hear that from him.  If that is why.........  I wouldn't force anyone to live with this disease.  I don't even like myself because of this.  Why would I want anyone else to?  True, I do tend to push everyone away because I know that eventually the FA will make them hate me and either they'll just leave or stick around with their false smiles and fake hearts, I would rather them just hate me for something else, my heart can deal with that better.  But him, he didn't let me push him away.  Were those last five years made-up love because he didn't want to tell me that he too had grown to hate me?

I've always known deep down in my soul that it was unfair to want him to be with me.  I have always carried this guilt because he isn't with someone normal.  He deserves someone normal.  Someone who can do all the things for him that I can't.  Someone that he can grow old with.

If it's the FA then I wish he'd just tell me.  I love him so much, more than anyone should have a right to love someone else.  Enough to not want my curse to be his burden.  And if that's why then enough to, even though this love will never die, let him go.

 

 

 

Artist:
Avril Lavigne

Album:
Unknown

Title:
Keep Holding On

You're not alone
Together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold
And it feels like the end
There's no place to go
You know I won't give in
No I won't give in
Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
So far away
I wish you were here
Before it's too late, this could all disappear
Before the doors close
And it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend
Yeah, yeah
Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Hear me when I say, when I say I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
La da da da
La da da da
La da da da da da da da da
Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Keep holding on
Keep holding on
There's nothing you could say
Nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

22nd-Feb-2007 12:58 am - 2-21

So I've somehow survived another day full of chaos and confusion, barely that is.  Sometimes I wonder how much more of this I can handle before my already shattered soul crumbles to fine dust and is blown away.  I often wonder, if GOD has a purpose for everyone then what is it that I'm supposed to do.  I hope HE didn't just give me life for me to have to just exist silently here unseen and unheard.  If there is a reason for me being alive I'm sure I've either already done it or already didn't do it, either or, so why am I still here?

I've had another day of dealing with a mother who hates me.  It just isn't right.  If GOD knew my body was going to be all screwed up then why couldn't HE at least give me parents who loved me unconditionally?  They used to adore me.  When I was pretty and skinny, when I was so smart and had what appeared to be a huge and successful future ahead of me I was their pride and joy.  One thing the doctor didn't tell me I would lose was love.  Who am I trying to kid, she dindn't even give a shit about me then.  She has always made it more than evident that I was just in her way of living her own life and that she didn't want me here.  She just used to think if I became something in life that she would get something out of it if she wasn't so cold.  But now she knows.  Little does she know though that she hasn't killed this sinking soul yet and somehow I have found a little bit of hope to grasp ahold of and my life isn't over yet.  And now that I know that at least a part of that once intelligent girl is still deep down within my future is again starting to appear bright, a little.  Too bad for her because she isn't getting anything from this burden of hers.

Ugh!  I guess you can tell that I'm having a rough time again with Miss It.  That's ok though.  Dispite her efforts to destroy my spirits I'm still here breathing.  I talked to my babe tonight.  He said he misses me and wants to come see me!  He never wants to come here.  :-)  I miss him so much. I can't wait to see him!

I have this picture on here of me on my wedding day.  I often find myself staring at that picture trying to remember what was going through that girl's head 7 1/2 years ago.  If I had known how it would turn out now would I have been so happy or if I had known would I have gone through with it.  Or deep down did I know?  I had to have knows, afterall I do always screw everything up.

 

 

Goodnight Christian.  I love you all the way to heaven and back!

21st-Feb-2007 04:22 pm - Breathe No More

I've been looking in the mirror for so long.,
That I've come to believe my souls on the other side.
Oh the little pieces falling, shatter.
Shards of me,
To sharp to put back together.
To small to matter,
But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces.
If I try to touch her,
So I bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe no more.
Take a breath and I try to draw from my spirit's well.
Yet again you refuse to drink, like a stubborn child.
Lie to me,
Convince me that I've been sick forever.
And all of this,
Will make sense when I get better.
I know the difference,
Between myself and my reflection.
I just can't help but to wonder,
Which of us do you love.
So I bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe now...
Bleed,
I bleed,
And I breathe,
I breathe,
I breathe,
I breathe no more.

21st-Feb-2007 12:44 am - oh no he didn't

I have had an okay day.  I didn't cry,  I don't think, and for me that is while silly a HUGE accomplishment.  Actually I have yet to let "her" make me so upset that I do cry since I've been back.  And anyone who knows how she really is knows how hard it is to not let her get to ya.

Today I started to get started with checking all of my e-mails, since I didn't really keep up with them while gone.  I logged onto the first one and it said like 170, not too bad for four weeks.  Then the next was 600 and some, the next 400 and some, and another over 7000!  And only 13 of those spam.  I gave up that idea after checking about five of them haha and have sat here since staring into space.  Well chatting with some friends, listening to music, watching tv, doing a few websites, and reading all while staring into space!

So today this sweet little girl in the wheelchair almost got up and kicked the kajeepers out of someone.  Jessica's fiancee, Jerry.  He just had to say it.  He saw that I was chatting with a black dude and as he walked away I heard "Manda, what the hell are you doing talking to a n****r?"  Anyone who knows me knows better than to use those stupid racial terms around me and Jes just stood there saying "uh oh, you did it now" to Jerry.  Stupid people make me sick!

I don't remember if I've posted it yet or not but there are a few additions to my family.  Threde teeny, tiny chihuahuas.  They are so sweet!  Their eyes aren't opened yet but they sure have mastered making sure their mommy, and myself, can hear when they are hungry.

Now I'm bored.  Ugh.  So I guess I'll shut up for now and go to bed.

Goodnight Christian.  I love you all the way to heaven and back!

19th-Feb-2007 12:03 am - I'm back.

Well I"m home everyone.  My two to three week stay at WWRC became a too fast four weeks.  And I totally loved it there.  I figured that I would and as you all know was afraid of that, I was afraid that I wouldn't want to leave.  Guess what, I didn't.  It wasn't just the place that I didn't want to leave either but the friends that I made.  Yes it's true, so shy Amanda who stays to herself and hides from the everso bright side of life, where all those alive are, actually made some friends.  I hope some lifelong friendships.  And ya'll know me, it is so much easier to talk to guys, so most of the friends were guys.  There were a few females too though.  But I do gotta say there are some fine guys there ladies, but they're all mine hahaha!  ;-)  Oh and GOD must've had a really good sense of humor when HE decided to send me there because all the guys but one had big, brown eyes.  Ya'll know I have a thing for brown eyes right?  And the only one who didn't had these dreamy blue eyes.  Ya know who ya are, Brent.  :-)

So I met some pretty awesome people.  In fact, I do believe my life will be forever changed because of them.  Especially Tony.  Yes, Tony, I'm blogging about you.  He let me know what it feels like to really knows there is someone who cares.  And looking into those magnificently GOD had to make them brown eyes I could tell that he was for real.  Most people just act like they care and won't look you in the eyes afraid you'll know, but not him.  He looked me straight in the eyes.  Ya know, eyes are the windows to the soul and if you look deep into someone's eyes it is like you can almost feel their soul.  Hehehe, I think I have a little bit of a crush.  But I'm sure he knows that.

The first day I got there I had the priveledge of metting two of the sweetest and kindest souls to be found, Ti and Claudia.  Claudia was the first that I approached because she was quiet like me.  Ti on the other hand was anything but quiet.  She has an opinion on everything and isn't afraid to make sure that everyone knows what it might be.  Again like me but instead of cowardly hiding behind written words on an internet blog she energetically uses her mouth to express her ideas.  Claudia went home early but hopefully we will meet again someday.  Tiara is still there, no doubt telling someone off.  HAHAHA!

It was so strange to see everyone there and know that even the normal looking ones had some sort of disability.  Some just aren't as aparent as a big, purple wheelchair.  And then to see that a lot of them had problems that makes what's wrong with me seem to be nothing.  I watched them all still going about their lives, happy, content, and with goals for their futures.  And I was so inspiring to watch as they all rather than try tlive with whatever their limitation was they lived despite their disabilities, 

I've done a lot of soul searching in the past few weeks.  Even moreso in the past few days.  There's a lot about my life that I don't like, but ya'll knew that, that is going to have to change.  I have no idea how that is going to all be done yet but I know that it has to, somehow, someway....  I've done a lot of thinking about me as well.  And that is definately going to have to change.  I'm the one who just sits here as life happens to her crying instead of doing anything to at least try to make it different.  *(See Tony, I was listening!)*  I have a lot to work on!  First step, get out of this house, for good!

I also did a lot of thinking about my husband and our marraige.  A LOT!  Trying to figure out why it is that I love him as much as I do.  Ya know what, dispite all the crying and thinking and crying some more the conclusion I came to is I just do. 

Tonight I got to talk to Christian for the first time in over three weeks.  His voice sounded like a voice straight from heaven itself.  He missed me!  And he is actually wanting to come out here to spend a whole weekend with me!  He never WANTS to come for but just a day.  Hearing him say I love you waa like a gift from GOD.  Actually it was because he is nothing less than an exquisite gift from GOD!

Well, I'm shutting up for tonight.  Thanks to all for your prayers while I was gone and thanks to all who are still remembering me in their prayers.

 

Goodnight Christian.  I love you all the way to heaven and back!

Goodnight Wally.  I love you too!

14th-Feb-2007 02:16 am - 2-13

I thought that right now I'd for sure be sitting here right now crying my eyes out and wanting to die and I know it's hard to believe but I'M NOT.   And believe it or not I actually had a pretty good day.  Sure did beat sitting here crying all night last night.  Instead I got to spend the evening with someone who I do believe actually understands me.  Thanks for taking the time to spend the evening witn me, Tony!

Found out this evening that there are five additions to my family of critters.  Christian's chihuahua had six puppies last night, one died though so that left me with five.  I can't wait to see them!

So it is now Valentine's day.  This makes the third Valentine's day I've been without hubby.  It seems like it has been a lifetime ago.  I wonder if he'll even think of me today.

I miss Christian so much.  I can't wait to hold him in my arms again.

 

Welp, good night world.

Goodnight Christian.  I love you all the way to heaven and back!  Happy Valentine's Day!!  <3

9th-Feb-2007 12:43 am - AN OUTPOUR OF EMOTIONS

I don't really know what to write tonight but it has been a while since I have really written anything so I'll try to think of something.  Hehehe, I might just ramble but that is what I'm best for.

Well this week has been pretty tough, emotionally that is.  Ya'll know that I sit around mopey and sad all the time right?  Well I was doing a pretty good job of hiding that from everyone here, managing to wait until I was behind my closed door to let the pain flow.  Well that thought failed miserably.  The other day a friend here was telling me some stuff and I just lost it.  She wasn't saying anything bad, she was trying to be encouraging, but ya'll know how it is with me.  There is certain stuff anyone can say that just throws me overboard.  Like telling me you can do this or you can do that or you're so pretty.  I know none of it's true and then it comes to my mind how this or that must be going through their minds and how they have to think I must be so stupi thinking I'm believing them.  But now I think I finally have them all thinking I'm fine again.  Which is good because I don't want anyone's pity.  Or any pity friends, if someone wants to be my friend I want it to be because of me.  And I most definitely don't want to scare off anyone else like I did the other day.

Who am I kidding.  I shouldn't be here trying to make friends at all.  Just to screw up someone else's life or to get to know yet another person who will end up hating me just like everyone else eventually does....

I can't do this.  Knowing that in a week I'll be going back there to sit night and day crying and just to watch as my already shattered soul finally crumbles to dust.  GOD, why don't YOU just let me die already.  Or do YOU hate me too just like everyone else.  I don't want to have to be anymore.  I don't want to be alive but I don't want to be dead either, I just don't want to be.  I don't want to finally have my soul go to hell but I don't want to go to heaven either just to screw that up for everyone else.  Even in heaven I'd be this sad mess.

I miss Christian so much.  I wonder if he misses me at all, or is he just glad I'm gone and never thinks about me.  I found out the other day that Annie is taking me to court for child support.  I guess she knew if I'm here and don't get to go they could banish parental rights then I'd never get to see him. 

It feels like all the trouble keeps piling up in front of me and is now so high and so wide that there is no was through, around, or above it all.  This year is just starting but it is already horrible for me.  I can't handle ir all.

And a question, why is it that if I get upset everyone automatically assumes that I am upset over this chair.  It isn't the chair people.  I am fine with my chair.  Sure i got a crappy hand when it comes to this horrible disease but it is made up for in other areas.  Sure woulda been nice to be normal and smart both but I'm not normal, I'm fine with that.  Sure I often am saddened by thoughts of normalcy that I'll never get to experience but big deal.  Usually if I am so upset that everyone sees it has nothing to do sith this chair but everything to do with this dying soul trapped inside this ugly and fat girl's failing body.

 

I'm gonna shut up for now.

 

Goodnight Christian.  I love you all the way to heaven and back!

You too, Wally!

7th-Feb-2007 12:41 am - 2-6-07

Goodnight  Christian.  I love you all the way to heaven and back!

5th-Feb-2007 11:22 pm - 2-5-07

Goodnight Christian.  I love you, all the way to the moon and back!

5th-Feb-2007 12:14 am - and the Colts win the game....

Okay, anyone who knows anything about me knows that when it comes to football I'm utterly clueless and though very out of the ordinary for me, I couldn't really care less that this subject I know nothing about.  But it was fun watching those dudes who were clearly going back and forth staring at me but trying not to let me know it.  One of them almost shut himself up in a door hahaha.  Isn't it amazing how ya can put a little bit of makeup on and it changes the world.  Hehehe!

So Bug finally signed up for a myspaqce music site.  Check him out everyone.  His songs should be on there tomorrow.  http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=155662726

I've got a huge day ahead of me tomorrow.  More testing, more therapy, more everything.  And then tomorrow night the chapel is having their weekly coffee house.  Should be fun.

 

Goodnight Christian.  I love you all the way to heaven and  back!

You too, Wally!

1st-Feb-2007 11:20 pm - 2-1
Goodnight Christian.  I love you, all the way to heaven and back!
31st-Jan-2007 11:39 pm - the world still turns

On my way tol the rec hall tonight I looked up and saw this humongous, clear and oh so bright moon and remember thinking to myself how spectacular it looked and knowing that somewhere so many hundreds of miles away my husband and my son aqre under that same moon.

I had a pretty good day, well most of it.  I went for my first part of the driving eval, which isn't driving but paperwork and eye tests, which I passed them all.  Next week I try behind the wheel.  Then I went to PT to make sure I could drive the chair I got yesterday.  I could but some adjustments had to be made for these long legs of mine so I ended up with a newer chair.  But it is only to use while here since my arms are way to strong to keep one.  Or so they say.  Then I started my business trial, and duh, it's easy.  But the best part of today is when I went to my counselor to talk.  When she saw me she told me to wait in the waiting area because she wanted to talk to me.  First thought was oh gosh what did I do but it all turned out good.  She is going to make sure that I get "every thing" that I came up here for.  Well wait, not every thing, she can't help with Wally, but everything else.   Hearing her tell me that today was the best thing I've heard in, well about a week, I heard Christian tell me that he loves me then so that is better to hear than anything else in this world.

Now for the sad part of the night.  I know I could come up with so many other more creative words but sad is the only word that discribes the night's events because that truely is all that it was.  Get to the rec hall tonight and am sitting there chatting with some friends when another friend runs up and tells us that someone just died.  None of the others believed him but me so I followed him when he ran off.  So I get to where he is and there the girl was face down on a bench totally limp and lifeless.  No pulse or anything.  Someone called 911 and they closed off the area where she was.  I was sitting there in shock, I don't remember ever being that close to someone who had just died.  A few minutes later I got to looking around and all but maybe two people were already forgetting what had happened.  Some hadn't quit what they were doing in the first place.  People were all piled up asking what had happened and then laughing about it.   Some were telling jokes, some playing cards, some watching tv, some even leaving for a field trip.  A girl had just died and no one as much as shut up for just a second.  No one offered to say a prayer.  Nothing.   I said a silent prayer begging GOD that if there was any way at all to put her soul back in her body to please do it and let this young girl live.  But in some situations that isn't enough.  I sat there for nearly an hour watching them act as though nothing had happened, wondering if her spirit might be there and see them all, and almost in tears to think that out of all those people no one had it in them to ask the others to join in prayer for this girl, for her soul.  I think I should have been that person. I should have said something.  Some people are now saying that she is alive and in the hospital, some say she died.  I'm not sure.  But if she is alive, thank You GOD!

Well I"m off for tonight.

 

Goodnight Christian.  I love you all the way to heaven and back!

30th-Jan-2007 12:19 am - 1-29

Goodnight Christian.  I love you all the way to heaven and back!

And you too, Wally!

28th-Jan-2007 10:06 pm - 1-28

Man!  It is so cold! 12 degrees!  Brrr...........

Goodnight Christian.  I love you all the way to the moon and back!

28th-Jan-2007 01:07 am - 1-27

Some people say that all good things must come to an end.  I suppose that's what just happened to my Saturday.  Today went okay.  I rolled around a lot and found that I didn't get tired as fast as I normally do.  Claudia and I talked a lot today.  Went to the late night movie thing, which I just got back from.  They played Saw III and while it was a good movie the whole time I was there my mind was somewhere else missing old memories.  :-(

I am going to bed for tonight.  Got another long day coming up.

 

Goodnight Christian.  I love you, all the way to the moon and back!

27th-Jan-2007 12:29 am - 1-26

So how are all of you who might be reading this tonight?  Me, I'm exhausted!  For the rest of the weekend I do whatever I choose, so in the morning I'm sleeping in, at least until 10.  I did two job evaluations today.  Floral design which I got high marks in and child care and I'm doing more with that Monday.  I am doing childcare for 5 to 11 year olds.  They asked today if I'd be willing to come back for classes, probably business/childcare.  I told her I might.

I met a few new people today.  Thus far the one I am most comfortable talking to is Claudia.  How could anyone not automatically love her to death.  She is so sweet.  I dunno why but I get this mother-goose protective feeling with her.  Her Mom is coming tomorrow.  I can't wait to hear her talk.  Claudia is from El Salvador.

Sunday Claudia and I are gooing to the chapel for a church service.  I wonder what it is going to be like.

I got to talk to Daddy tonight.  When I called to ask Mom to call Christian for me she told me that Daddy had told her he wanted to talk to me too.  Judy is the one who called and talked first.    I think they are surprised that I actually came.  I think just about everyone is shocked that I didn't back out.  But this is for my baby, my husxband, our family, and for me.

 

Goodnight Christian.  I love you all the way to the moon and back!

I love you too, Wally!

25th-Jan-2007 09:53 pm - 1-25-07

I just found this list on the website for the college campus.  I told ya'll there's a lot to do here.

 

The Recreation Services Department is housed in a complex which includes:

  • large auditorium
  • four-lane bowling alley
  • indoor rifle and archery range
  • billiard table
  • table tennis
  • foozball
  • gymnasium
  • television lounge
  • darkroom
  • weight room
  • wheelchair-ramp equipped swimming pool
  • craft and game rooms

Outdoor facilities include:

  • basketball
  • volleyball court
  • tennis court
  • horseshoe pits
  • softball field
  • lake with fishing piers
  • boathouse with:
    • two rowboats
    • one Beaver boat
    • one Jon-boat
    • two canoes
    • two paddle boats

 

I wonder where I'll be tomorrow night, hmm!?  I would be there right now but gosh it is too cold to have to roll across campus at a tortuise pace to get there just to have to turn around when I would finally get there to come back before dorm curfew.  Don't think so.  Instead I'll just sit here and chill tonight and go tomorrow when I get the motorized thingy they are getting for me while here.  After I learn to drive it that is.  Then I can just zoom there whenever I want to and not have to worry about my arms falling off, hahaha.

So today went pretty well.  I finished up the tests and in the morning am going to find out my schedule.  I'm a little disappointed with those, not what I scored b/c that was all fine, of course, but they could have been a lot higher if I had had time to finish everything.  It was timed tests, handwritten, and I write slow thanks to bad genetics.  I'm supposed to get extra time for that but oh well.  I still did very well, but that's no where near good enough for me.

I may not have anything to do tomorrow other than to roll around.  I got to do some stuff that the others in my group didn't and that threw me off track with them.  I find out in the morning though.

Okay, I'm going to answer a few questions from Tammy since I only have time to write this, I'll send her a copy.

 

So how did your first day go?

Very well.  Although I do think my arms almost fell off haha!

 

What kind of classes do you have? 


Don't know yet.  On the test results the top few areas were art (creative writing, poetry, drama, music, designing, editing, painting, etc ((whoda thought hehe)) ), science(medical, biology, chemistry, etc.), plants/animals (vet, animal caretaker, grooming, gardening, forrester, landscaping, etc.), prpotective (cop ((imagine that)), pi, guard, ranger, correction officver, probation officer, etc.), business, leading/influential stuff and a few more.  Ah and excellent marks with dealing with children and also adults who need assistance.

 

Why do you go to a different bathroom?

It's bigger and more accessible wsith a roll-in shower to boot.

 

How was dinner...did you like it?

Let's see.  The first day I had chicken pot pie, don't remember yesterday, and today a beef fajita I think.  Their breakfast, lunch, and dinner schedules are too close together haha.  But I'm not eating after five so I'll definately lose some pounds.

 

What time do you have to get up?  Are you tired?

I don't "have" to get up at anytime but my first scheduled thing is at 8, breakfast at 7, so I get up at 6.  You can do whatever you want but if you miss too many things you go home.  And yes I am so tired, but oddly awake.  It is too light, can't sleep well.

 

Are you getting enough assistance with bathroom and showering and all?

Yes but I told them yesterday that I'm really here for Christian and to learn to live independently so they are working with me to be able to do it with minimal assistance, but if I ask for help they are always there and ready.

 

Is it what you expected or different?

Not at all.  I was afraid to be alone, and Mom and Mama didn't help with all they said either, but this is so great.  No one to answer to, no one to try to make decisions for you, and finally feeling like I have a life of my own.  I understand Ray now when he says he would've stayed here if not for missing Mom and Tammy.  I love it here..  But like Ray I love my child and husband too.

 

So I'm going to log off for tonight.  Got an early day tomorrow.  GOD bless all of you.

 

Goodnight Christian.  I love you all the way to the moon and back!

Good night Wally.  I love you, too!

24th-Jan-2007 10:32 pm - goodnight my loves

I've now survived my first full day here at the campus.  Well most of me did.  I have this feeling that I am going to wake up to the sorest arms.  Ya gotta give a little to get anything though, eh?

Got some good stuff done today.  Did some testing, which I'll be doing all day again tomorrow as well. 

Sheesh.  There is some lady who has been on the phone for over an hour and a half.  I rolled halfway around the campus to find another phone and all I know of are in the rec. hall and ain't no way I can hear in there.

Goodnight Christian and Wally.  I love y'all!  (Even if you think it's funny that I love you, I still do.)

24th-Jan-2007 03:59 pm - A quick update on mwah.......
Well I am now on the campus of Woodrow Wilson and I have survived thus far my first whole day here.  I was here after noon or so yesterday but that was an orientation thing.  So it is now 3:51 p.m. and other than one meeting later for some computer thing I am finished with everything and have the rest of the day to myself.  I'm not really sure what to do, there are so many options, bowling, pool, the art room, one of the lounges, or just sit here until dinner and write random stuff.  Hmm...
21st-Jan-2007 01:56 am - 1-20-07

The little weatherbug alert thingy on my desktop has been going craxy this evening,  Isn't it just such a great time for horrible, winter weather.  Sense the sarcasm?  This might be a good thing though.  Some lady on the phone said that if it snows I can come Tuesday.  That will give me Monday to work on some very important stuff, if I don't get it done tomorrow.

Another late night for me.  Getting some stuff done that my uncle asked me to do for him.  It is unbelievable how different he is.  He actually talks to me now.  Perhaps he feels that he and I share similar emotional havocs.  I'm the only one who knows what he feels like.  And no this doesn't get easier with time.

I've been thinking a lot today.  Thinking about how some things are supposed to work.  Like divorce, is it that easy to just sign me away?  Is it that easy to forget about me?  Does signing the dotted line meanhe signs away all of his feelings for me?  Or does he even have any feelings left for me, any love at all?  Not too long ago I listened as he told me that he loves me and that he needs me and then I have no idea what happened.   I didn't hear anything else from him.

 

I haven't posted it yet but a couple weeks ago my husband filed for divorce.  I think yet another part of my shattering heart fell and crashed.  He loves me!  Why would he do this?  We love each other.  All I can do though is give it to GOD.  HE's taking care of it for me.

Everyone please pray for us.  Pray that Jesus lead us through this and back to one another.

 

Goodnight Christian and Wally.  I love y'all!

20th-Jan-2007 07:51 pm - sharing

Just sharing a couple scriptures that stuck out today while reading.

 

Proverbs 29:23 - A man's pride shall bring him low; but honour shall uphold the humble in spirit.

Proverbs 29:25 - The fear of man bringeth a snare:  but whoso putteth his trust in the LORD shall be safe.

Proverbs 30:5 - Every word or God is pure:  he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him.

 

I need to keep my mind on these promises.  As you all know I'm leaving Monday to go to a physical rehabilitation campus for a two week stay for now.  I am nervous already about being alone for those two weeks but moreso I am having to leave while something major in my life is going on here.  Reading those scriptures earlier reminded me that it's okay if I'm not here because I have given it all to the LORD and he will never fail me, he can't. 

I want to ask that all of you out there reading this pray for my husband and our marraige.  I don't know why but I feel that he is in the need of prayers.  GOD be with him, whatever he's doing or thinking.  And remind him that I love him with all my heart.  Remind him of what he told me an the promises we made to one another and the vows we took in front of you, LORD.  In Jesus Christ's name I pray.  Amen, and Amen.

20th-Jan-2007 12:54 am - 1-19-07

Goodnight Christian and Wally.  I love y'all!

19th-Jan-2007 12:56 am - fallen

Wow.  I just had an emotional outpour and gosh what a relief that was.  And ya know it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  For the past few weeks I've been harboring all these emotions and all this confusion.  I'm sure you all know what all the emotions were about and most of the confusion.  Not knowing for sure is the hardest part.  But last week that confusion was immensified by something I don't want to say but lets just say I heard something I've wanted to hear for a long time.  But was what I heard honest.  Anyway I was so sure that when I finally did break that it was going to be one of those like hell on earth and to be honest I was afraid of what I might do or want to do.  What can I say though, isn't it awesome to have friends to talk to.  And Jesus to lean on.  I do gotta say though that I think I might have freaked out a new friend hehe. 

What caused me to finally crash to the bottom tonight was my little boy.  He wouldn't talk to me on the phone again.  That breaks my heart.  When he is here he likes to even get on the phone in the other room and talk to me on it.  Maybe he just has stuff distracting him. 

I'm going to have another busy day tomorrow.  One of my sisters is going with me to take care of some paperwork before I leave Monday.  So I guess I'll shut up and go to bed.

 

Goodnight Christian and Wally.  I love y'all!

18th-Jan-2007 01:12 am - 1-17

I am totally exhausted!  I went shopping today to get some of the things I will need while at the WW campus.  Stuff like jeans and tops and shampoo and all that stuff.  Oh and some of the cutest little underwear!  I taught my aunt today what boycut panties are hehe.  I think I got most of what I need, I think, I hope.  All in all I had a fairly descent day today.

My aunt, who I never really talk to anymore, gave me some of her opinions on some of the stuff in my life today.  Which made me think, if she thinks that way about it all then others probably do too.  Now don't get me wrong, I have never in my life (that I can recall) as much as heard this woman say a hateful word to or about anyone else.  She was just telling me the "if I was you" stuff.  She was telling me things she would do if she was me regarding hubby and it was so strange to sit there and hear her say this stuff me knowing if it was anyone else I would no doubt be telling them the same things.  She asked me would I really do this or that, such as go back to WV.  And I told her it doesn't matter where I am if hubby is with me there and I told her I liked it over there for the most part.  I don't think she, or many others, understand the hope I'm holding to for us to be together again.  I think I sort of got it across to her today though.

I do love him with all my heart, soul, and mind.  I need him and I know he loves and needs me just as much.  I found this quote on the web last night and want to put it up for Wally. 

myspace layouts

 

I need to make an apology.  One of hubby's aunts signed something for him, and when someone pointed out that her handwriting looked like the handwriting something was written I automatically assumed she had been the one to write it.  As far as I know she hates the ground I roll on so it fit and I had hurt and bitter feelings about that.  Those feelings shouldn't have been there anyway but come to find out she didn't write it.  So I'm sorry, Carolyn.  I pray you can forgive me for thinking you had written it.

Well I'm off to bed everyone.  GOD bless us all and sleep tight everyone.

 

Goodnight Christian and Wally.  I love y'all!

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